Ok, so me and my friends get into random rants on who's better, James, Logan, Carlos, or Kendall. If you're visiting this website, you probably agree with me...Kendall. BUT here's some of our 'random ranting'. (Most of the anti-Kendall ones were written by my friend Bekah. I think one of the, might have been Mary....I don't know... But...Yeah.)
Purple will represent authors notes.
Blue will represent James's side.
Red will represent Carlos's side.
Green will represent Kendall's side.
Black will represent Logan's side.
Orange will represent Neutral.
JAMES MASLOW IS NOT BETTER THAN KENDALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 YOU AND I BOTH KNOW IT! KENDALL. IS. PERFECT! lol... I was typing angrily.
FINALLY. I CAN SAY WHAT I WANT.
JAMES MASLOW IS PERFECT. MORE PERFECT THAN YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE WITH YOUR PUNY, PATHETIC MIND. JAMES IS GORGEOUS. HE ACTUALLY HAS GOOD LOOKING EYEBROWS. HE HAS HIGH CHEEKBONES, GORGEOUS FOREHEAD, PERFECT LIPS, STRAIGHT NOSE, SOFT, AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL, PERFECT HAIR THAT YOU WISH YOU HAD, AND HIS EYELASHES ARE PERFECTLY NATURALLY CURLED IN A WAY MINE NEVER COULD. HIS EYES ARE TO DIE FOR, BY THE WAY. I WANT TO MELT EVERYTIME I SO MUCH AS LOOK AT A PICTURE OF THEM–THEY ARE THE MOST GORGEOUS HAZEL COLOR I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE. IM LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF HIM RIGHT NOW. AND I'VE JUST COVERED HIS LOOKS–HE IS THE GREATEST PERSON IN EXISTANCE! I WOULD LOVE HIM EVEN IF HE WAS BALD AND HIDEOUS (EVERYONE KNOWS HIS HAIR GIVES HIM HIS SUPERPOWERS) BECAUSE HE IS JUST THAT MUCH OF A GOOD PERSON. HIS SOUL IS SO BEAUTIFUL, IT'S LIKE A FLOWER. A GORGEOUS STEEL FLOWER, BECAUSE IT WOULD BE UNMASCULINE IF HE WERE WEAK. WEAK LIKE KENDALL. HE LOVES HIS FANS, HE JUST DOESN'T WANT TO GET RAPED BY THEM. HE ANSWERS A LOT OF MY EXTREMELY CREEPY QUESTIONS. HE WENT FROM NOTHING (NOT QUITE) TO EVERYTHING. HE IS MY HERO. MY ROLE MODEL. HE IS THE REASON I GET UP IN THE MORNING. AND YOU... YOU KNOW NOTHING. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW IMPOSSIBLY PERFECT HE IS. HOW PERFECT HE IS INSIDE. HE'S SUCH A GOOD PERSON. HE KEEPS IT REAL–YOU CAN TELL HE'S HAVING A GOOD TIME IN ALL OF HIS INTERVIEWS. HE REEKS OF AMAZINGNESS. FACE IT. KENDALL IS NOTHING COMPARED TO JAMES. HE'S A PATHETIC, UGLY, HAIRY LUMP (HIS EYEBROWS). FACE IT. JAMES MASLOW IS PERFECT IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY.
Loser. You still haven't said anything to my beautiful argument :D That's because it wasn't worth saying anything. It was a HORRIABLE argument.
Nobody reading that would convert to James. James is ugly. He's fat, stupid, a jerk, uncaring, unemotional, too sensitive, creepy, and short! Yes, that's right! SHORT! He is actuall 4'11. He wears stilts under his "pants" to make it look like he's tall. He's not tall. At all. He's not a mountain climber. That's a lie. AN OBVIOUS LIE. He's actually a lazy couch potato that likes to watch Big Time Rush so he can see himself acting. He LOVES lookin at himself. James Diamond was actually based off of James Maslow. He pretends to love his fans but that's also a lie. He HATES them. That's why he hasn't answered all your questions. He has BIG FEET. He is actually the mythical monster that goes by the name Big Foot. He travels around Russia torturing little innocent children. They see his face and scream in horror. They're all like, "Oh no! Our idol, Kendall Schmidt's, Best ffriend is attacking us! What ever shall we do?!?!" He roars and slashes at them with his long, untrimmed, ugly fingernails. Then he laughs an evil laugh as he teats apart their soft flesh. James Maslow is truly evil. Kendall, on the other hand, is sweet, charming, characteristic, and perfect. He LOVES his fans more than anything in the world. He has an AMAZING taste in music. He even has a pet snake. That means he's brave. His favorite color is green. That means he likes nature and supports recycling. He has 2 tattoos. They're both symbols for peace. This shows that he's willing to go through pain to bring in peace. He likes Dr. Pepper. This shows that he is a fan of doctors. That means he's a fan of healing. Healing brings on happiness. Kendall likes people to be happy. He eats his steak medium rare. This shows that he likes things raw. He likes them the way they are. He supports his fans being themselves, and not caking on lies. In other words, raw. He liks plad. Nerds wear plad. Nerds are smart. This means Kendall is smart. It also means he encourages his fans to do good in school. His last name is Schmidt. The company that made my ever-so-awesome guitar's name is Oscar Schmidt. Hear that? SCHMIDT. Just like Kendall. Kendall SCHMIDT. Also, Kendall encourages kids to connect with their parents. Both his brothers, his parents, and him have a first name that starts with K. Kendall, Kevin, Kenneth, Kent, and Kathy. That's connection in the family. More families should have that. Also, he likes Lucky Charms. Lucky Charms have marshmellows in them. Marshmellows are soft. This means Kendall is soft-hearted. Also, Lucky Charms have rainbows in them. Rainbows are colorful. Colorful = Crayola = Creative. Kendall supports his fans being creative. thst's a good thing. Kendall is and always will be perfect. PERFECT. KENDALL SCHMIDT IS PERFECT AND JAMES MASLOW ISN'T SO THERE! JUST ACCEPT IT ALREADY! KENDALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kendall Schmidt really doesn't go for the "scruffy" look. All he does is wear plaid and keeps his hair SUPER neat. O.o
Ok, you know what? Kendall Schmidt is perfect in a way you will never understand. That's why you don't get him. You're just too ignorent to get his real self. Because I obviously get his real self. Obviously. He is so much better than James in so many ways. Sooooo.... yeah... .
JAMES IS WAY BETTER THAN KENDALL. YOU'RE TOO STUPID TO REALIZE HE IS GORGEOUS IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY. HE IS THE GREATEST, MOST AMAZING, MOST EPIC, MOST PERFECT THING EVER. WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND?! JAMES IS ABSOLUTELY STUNNINGLY PERFECT! PERFECT! PEEEEERFECT. YOU READ ME? PERFECT. PERFECT. PERFECT.
YOU DONT UNDERSTAND ANYTHING. AT ALL. KANDALL IS THE MOST AMAZING PERSON IN THE HISTORY OF ALL AMAZING PEOPLE. HE'S PERFECT. HIS EYES, HIS NOSE, HIS CHEEKS, HIS CHIN, HIS SMILE, HIS SKIN, HIS SKELETEN, HIS EVERY FIBER IS PERFECT. YOU CAN'T CHANGE THAT NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU INSULT HIM. NO ONE CAN. JAMES HAS NO LIFE WITHOUT KENDALL. KENDALL IS THE BEST. KENDALL IS THE PERFECT ONE. ONLY KENDALL. ALWAYS KENDALL. KENDALL IS PERFECT. HE'S PERFECTLY PERFECT. NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU DENY IT, KENDALL IS PERFECT.
FIRST OF ALL, THAT SKELETON IS REALLY CREEPY. AND JAMES IS ALL OF KENDALL... TIMES 15! AND YOU CAN'T TOP THAT. KENDALL CAN'T TOP THAT. NOTHING CAN TOP JAMES. HE IS SUPREME. PERFECT. JAMES IS NOT ONLY PERFECTER THAN KENDALL, HE IS PUNCTUAL. YEAH. I WENT THERE. HE'S PUNCTUAL AND PERFECT. PEEEEEERFECT.
KENDALL IS SOOO MUCH MORE A MAN THAN JAMES. JAMES IS A LYER. HE IS NOT NEARLY AS BEAUTIFUL AS KENDALL. HE IS A JERK. HE IS MEAN. HE IS CREEPY. HE IS NOTHING COMPARED TO KENDALL. NOTHING. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS CHUCK NORRIS. THATS KENDALL IN DISGUISE. KENDALL MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND. YOU CANT CHANGE THAT. JAMES CANT CHANGE THAT. NOT EVEN MARY CAN CHANGE THAT. YOU NEED TO ACCEPT THE TRUTH, BEKAH. ACCEPT IT.
BTW- If for some weird reason James is reading what his 3 favorite fans are saying he should probably know that I dont actually hate him
So.... you like James?
YES. I love him. He is the most amazing person in the world alive. When I was crying my eyes out, he made me happy. Kendall didn't. He's the one who made me cry. Just staring at all that fat jiggling around... It's enough to make anyone cry, really. And his eyebrows. The fact that anyone would allow bushes to grow on their faces just made me burst into tears. And I almost stopped, too, until I saw Kendall smirking and then I cried myself to sleep. It was just so horrifying. And then Kendall tormented me in my dreams, and over and over I saw his fat jiggle in the same direction. When I woke up, I calmed myself down by staring at picture of James Maslow. But then he was so beautiful, I couldn't take it and I had to force my burning eyes on Kendall Schmidt. BIG MISTAKE. My eyeballs burst into flames, so I had to go get surgury. There may be some typos because I can't see what I'm typing. But the image of Kendall Schmidt is burning into my vision. Now, everywhere I look, it's Kendall. I'm dying slowly. It's torture. Absolute torture. The doctor says I only have a year left at maximum. He doesn't blame me, either. Anyone who was forced to endure the sight of Kendall permanently would die too. And it's a slow, painful death. Excruciatingly so. I'm not sure if I spelled that right. But if I stare sorta to the right, I can see James Maslow. it's like cooling jello to my aching eyes. But if I stare too long, they burn even more. DANG JAMES MASLOW'S PERFECT IMAGE. I am forced to endure the ultimate torment, then for ten seconds I can stare at James Maslow. I think it's safe to say that Kendall Schmidt has ruined my life. I had to listen to him sing "boyfriend" because I was waiting for James to sing. My ears started BURNING... but what else is new? My body has spontaneously burst into flames several times since Kendall Schmidt came in my life. I'm playing my ipod at full blast. At first, I could hear it perfectly. Now, I can't hear ANYTHING. And it was during Kendall Schmidt's part of a song that I conveniently noticed that I was DEAF. Kendall's evil, demonic laughter echoes in my deaf ears. Forever. Sometimes, I can hear James Maslow's angelic singing, but then my eyes burst into flames because it's too perfect. And then Kendall's voice comes back. Yes. He's some rolemodel, alright. I'm DYING because of him. And I'll admit, it's sort of my fault for looking at so much James Maslow pictures. He's just way too perfect, and I wasn't ready for that level of perfection. But believe me when I say that Kendall is BAD and James is GOOD. He is my addiction: I realize he is bad for me (he's just too perfect), but I've decided I would rather feel the agony of his perfection that the horrible misery and pain that comes from Kendall Schmidt. And on top of all of this, James Maslow won't answer my questions. And I blame that on James. If it weren't for Kendall, James would answer more of my questions. And I've run out of room. My life sucks. I LOVE YOU JAMES MASLOW!
Rant on...
James Maslow has problems with saying "I love you". You may wonder why I may say this in a rant on James VS Kendall when I am defending James. I'll tell you: HE DOESN'T THROW AROUND "I LOVE YOU" LIKE IT'S TRASH. Because that's the way everyone but Carlos says it. Everyone but Carlos doesn't mean it. They are just trying to pretend to care about people they don't know. They do it without thinking. That makes them LIARS (except Carlos, becuase he is amazing). James went through a traumatic experience. A dramatic breakup. He clearly is not comfortable with giving out "I love you"'s left and right. Although it would make my day, I must respect him. Give him space. And YOU MUST TOO. Don't you EVER say "I love you" as a "question" on his page! IT IS CREEPY AND WILL BRING BACK UNWANTED FEELINGS. I will DIS-like that post if I can, because it just brings on painful memories. YOU CAUSE HIM PAIN, I RUIN YOUR LIFE. GOT IT? When he gets DUMPED on his BEAUTIFUL FACE in a VERY PUBLIC way, I will massacre the woman who pushed him off a building (consequently cracking his gorgeous face in half). But she won't be a woman–she'll be a WIMPY COWARD. Who would dump him on his face? He is so beautiful. At least dump him on his elbow, or his feet. The dumping of the face is uncalled for. Need proof? HOW ABOUT I DUMP YOU ON *YOUR* FACE! HOW'D YOU LIKE THAT? Leave him alone. Just... just ask him nice questions, but DON'T say I love you. And whoever said "I'm watching you", I would advice you not to watch James Maslow. Watch Logan. He's okay with being raped by your creepy eyes. Even if James can stand it, I CAN'T. I can't TAKE watching those people DROOL over him, then scream, "I LOVE YOU". How can they not see how it bothers him? You may be assuming that I considered the fact that maybe he's just awkward and he has suffered no traumatic experience. You would be incorrect. I will NEVER accept that fact. James Maslow is not just an awkward 20 year old guy born 9 days before my brother. He is not just a guy the same height as my brother. He is not just some guy who is impossibly beautiful while my brother is not. He is not some guy who, while he lost weight, my brother gained. Oh, no. He is James Maslow. And that makes enough sense for me. There is a video of James Maslow blowdrying his hair. THIS DOES NOT MEAN HE IS GAY. This simply means he cares for his appearance. It means he was in a rush. A BIG TIME rush. I think the public should be sued for viewing this video. Everyone who has ever clicked that video should be PUT IN PRISON. Who are they, to see such a private thing? Should he have shut the window? No! He has nothing to hide! Should the public have gathered and watched? No! THE POLICE NEED TO MAKE A STAND. They need to get off their FAT, oddly shaped behinds and protect James Maslow.With all their might. Kendall and Logan must be prepared to take a bullet for him if necessary. Carlos must keep him entertained on lonely nights. Perfection must be preserved. IT MUST!
Rant on?
James hates kids. And he's a pedophile. And he's gay. At night, he sneaks into little boys' rooms and watches them sleep. Then, when they wake up, he shoves their blankets down their throats. They die of suffocation. And betrayal. That's right. Betrayal. They absolutely adore Kendall Schmidt and can't believe that his best friend would attack them. James watches their eyes widen with shock and then squeeze shut in horror. He laughs as they attempt to scream but all that comes out is a muffled squeek. He mocks their crying parents at the kid's funeral and pretends not to notice the picture of Big Time Rush they send down with the body because the kid loved them so much. Kendall is a protector of justice. He noticed James sneaking out at night and decides to follow. He never expected to find what he did. He and James have a show down. You know, with the guns and stuff. They both sht at the same time and they both get hit right in the heart. They both die. Except Kendall. He's invincable. He sees James body and crys tears of milk. He's sensitive and feels sad. One of his tears lands on James's wound and instantly he's revived. He was so grateful that he reverted his ways and became Kendall's servant. Except Kendall's too awesome to have a servant. Especially a evil one like James. So he gives James to Carlos. But James doesn't like Carlos. James sneaks into Carlos's room and grabs Carlos's own pocket knife. He stabs him in the heart and blood splatters the walls. James is suddenly filled with a longing deep inside his gut. He licks the blood off of each wall and leaves nothing behind. He then cooks Carlos's meat and makes tacos for Kendall, the one James truly loves. However, Kendall wasn't there that morning so Logan ate all of Carlos. James was enraged and attacked Logan with a knife. Kendall comes in, sees the scene and revives both Carlos and Logan. They all feel indebted to him ask to become his servant. James is again mad but kills no one this time. Kendall looks at James sadly and hands him some juice. Apparently Kendall had been gone all night looking for magical juice that will make James a better person. He gives it to him. However, James is still a evil beast. He sniffs the juice and instantly realizes what it was. He only pretends to drink it. Kendall knows that James was faking but pretends not to notice. He later uses his magical powers to move the entire world (except James) to another galaxy. In this world, everyone speaks Portugeze. Kendall was prepared for this and used his super mind powers to teach everyone the language. James is transported to Pluto where he lives with others of his kind. Kendall misses James but knows it's for the best. One day, James develops powers of his own. He feels betrayed by Kendall and sends a meteor flying to or new world. Kendall sees it coming and trys to stop it. Unfortunately, Kendall is only half of a whole. He needs his other half by his side. His other half is me. We win. James dies. In pluto.
Kendall Schmidt is retarded. He reminds me of a PUG. His face is so full of smooshiness and BABY FAT (except this baby fat was gained long after he was a baby) that sometimes, I start sucking in my cheeks self-consciously. It’s that bad. It actually makes me run that extra mile (literally) when I see how ridiculously overweight he is. When he first auditioned for Big Time Rush, he was skinny. Skinnier than James. Well, of course, that was just an illusion. Then Kendall just started blowing up like a BALLOON. Except instead of being filled with air, he was being filled with fat. Most of this fat collected in his center: his stomach. Most peoples’ bodies are run by their brains. Some ancient Egyptians believed it was their hearts that controlled the body. But Kendall Schmidt is enslaved by his STOMACH. Sometimes, he tries to get James to tell his spine to tell his brain that he should let James’ stomach get in control for once. Finally, after many, many times of him asking, James finally told his spine to tell his brain to let his stomach be in control. James immediately started eating Carlos because he reminds him of spicy buffalo wings because he is so tan. But Carlos didn’t die. He didn’t hurt. He didn’t bleed. Want to know why? Because he’s VENESUELAN! And Spanish and Dominican. But that’s not the only reason he didn’t hurt when James tried to eat him: Because he’s so tan. And not only that, but because Kendall was WRONG. Kendall is wrong a lot. But whenever he makes a wrong decision, Logan’s magical powers rectify it so it’s like it never happened. It was KENDALL’S mistake, not James, so Logan can fix it. Logan could never fix James’ mistakes. He doesn’t make them, so Logan doesn’t put any power into it. But there has been rumors about James being gay. Whose fault? KENDALL’S. Ever since then, Logan has helped the Preserve Perfection Organization (PPO) by fixing Kendall’s disastrous mistakes. We don’t want another wave of, “James Maslow is gay” out there, now do we? James got back in control of himself on his own, then made everyone muffins. Kendall, who is and always will be run by his stomach, came in and snapped Carlos’ neck in half. Because Logan wasn’t paying attention, Carlos’ neck really DID snap in half. Logan was sorry. But James didn’t blame him. AND SINCE JAMES DOESN’T, YOU SHOULDN’T EITHER. Kendall was locked in a cage with The Martha, a gorilla that is famous for IT’s glassy eyes and grabby hands. These grabby hands are always put to work knitting. The Martha then spent her remaining days asking Kendall for his sweater size (which is completely different from a regular shirt size). Carlos made a full recovery. Kendall was replaced by Karl on Big Time Rush, and no one could tell the difference. I married James Maslow as planned when I turned 19. We met when I was 17 in the Walton 5-10 as planned. M00se married James Maslow’s brother. THE END :)
James is gay. He's stupid. He's nerdy. He's fat. He's anorexic. He SUX!
THAT'S A LIE. AN OBVIOUS LIE. ...At least you're not calling him anorexic. AND HEY, YOU ACTUALLY SPELLED IT RIGHT! Is this like a first time for you or something? Magic. And as Ke$ha is singing in my ear, "WE ARE WHO WE ARE." And James just happens to be BRILLIANT, POPULAR, THIN, HEALTHY, and VERY UN-SUCKY. In fact, I would go as to far as to say he is PERFECT. And I'm not even kidding. He is the SWEETEST SOUL I'VE EVER SEEN. You can tell that his smile comes easily, which means he does it a lot, which means he laughs EVEN WHEN KENDALL OBVIOUSLY BULLIES HIM. You can see Kendall violently hit James behind the scenes. You just have to focus really hard because, you know, it's behind the scenes where there is no cameras... But James is coming out of this abusive relationship beautifully. He has vowed never to let himself be hit again. So, he's gonna punch that bully back. Why has there never been bruises shown? Obviously, James Maslow is completely NATURAL, and he doesn't wear makeup or is editted out, so Kendall must be too weak to land a bruise. And James is also an EXCELLENT dodger. Kendall can't hurt him. James is too amazing. So, back to him standing up for himself: HE'S GONNA DO IT. Not like he ever let himself be bullied. That would be suggesting that James Maslow has ever been weak. He hasn't been. He's never cried. His tears, like Chuck Norris, cure cancer. TOO BAD JAMES MASLOW AND CHUCK NORRIS DON'T CRY. SORRY, KIDS DYING OF CANCER. Of course, this makes James Maslow almost cry because he's a sensitive man. He could be saving the lives of many children! This doesn't make Chuck Norris cry. Chuck Norris never cries. Never. Neither does James Maslow, because although he feel pity, Kendall PUNCHES THE PITY OUT OF HIM. Everytime. Kendall reminds him in that horrible, none-sensitive way of his that tears are for girls. And James Maslow is not a girl. Carlos, who was crying parat that moment, slaps Kendall across the face. It's okay for Carlos to cry. His tears don't cure cancer, and on 5 foot 6 guys, it's okay to cry. And he's so tan. But James Maslow can't because he's my HERO. If he ever cried in public, I'd hunt him down and kill him. But he wouldn't die. Then we'd get married, but that's a while away. And I don't think that'll happen because JAMES MASLOW WILL NEVER CRY. I guess we'll have to get married some other way. And Martha, YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM. That's right, everyone! Martha wants JAMES. "Who would you marry out of Big Time Rush?" "...James, but only because–" BECAUSE HE'S JEWISH. THAT'S TERRIBLE. "And because his hair is brown." That's right, Kendall. You're losing to James, not only because he's just way better than you, but because his hair is brown. And yours is yellow. Anyone else noticed? IT'S YELLOW. In a very blonde way. But everyone's just NICE and says "blonde" because it's like calling BLACK people "African Americans". But we all know what you are, you YELLOW HAIRED FREAKS. Blondes have more fun? THAT'S A LIE. REDHEADS DO.
James is gay. like "unicorn". Seriously? A UNICORN! THATS THE MOST GAY ANIMAL SHE COULD HAVE COME UP WITH!!! Seriously...GAY
http://depleted.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/1267346567678.jpg I will go ahead and tell you everything James Maslow has in common with that unicorn. Notice the unicorn has a beautiful little spike on it's forehead. James had his removed at the EXTREMELY tender age of 2 minutes, but that doesn't mean it wasn't there. It WAS. It's just not now. Both are EXTREMELY masculine. And you'll notice that the unicorn and James Maslow have beautiful hair. James Maslow has a rainbow of brown. The unicorn has a rainbow. James Maslow used to have multi colored hair... Some of his kind does something stupid and goes BLONDE or something (KENDALL, COUGH COUGH). Now that brings me to another EXTREMELY bit of information. Kendall Schmidt is a unicorn. He had his horn removed at the NOT SO TENDER AGE of TWO MINUTES AND 58 SECONDS. That's 58 seconds TOO LATE, becuase if you'll look closely at his forehead, you'll notice that it is MUTATED HORRIBLY. That is why Kendall, to this day, has BANGS. And it just funks up his ENTIRE complexion when he puts on that STUPID beanie... http://static.tvguide.com/MediaBin/Galleries/Celebrities/K_L/Kels_Kh/Kendall_Schmidt/kendall-schmidt.jpg James Maslow could pull off the beanie. But not Kendall... Never Kendall. Kendall is secretly a platypus. Yes, Martha. Kendall is not ONLY a mutated, hornless, blonde unicorn, he is also a PLATYPUS. You can tell by this patch of blue green skin on his lower back. Some say, it's gills to help him breathe under water. Kendall is deathly afraid of water. Those scenes of him playing in water? Photoshopped. Editted. OBVIOUSLY. If you ask him, he will deny it. Why else would he photoshop? He's EMBARRASSED. James Maslow isn't afraid of water. He loves water. Water is his home. But he's not a mermaid. Not like Kendall. YES, NOW WE'RE ADDING TO THE LIST! Kendall has a patch of skin that could be gills that he never uses because he's afraid of water, AND he's a traitor to his kind. His kind? Part platypus, part unicorn, part mermaid FREAKS. But they are proud of being who they are. Kendall hides it. He can't stand water–what part platypus, part unicorn, part mermaid can't stand water?! .....EXACTLY. And everytime James falls off his board while surfing, it's KENDALL'S FAULT. Kendall is jealous of James. James is just part unicorn, and James is not hideously mutilated like Kendall. James is also not afraid of water. Kendall, who is 2/3 fish (platypus and mermaid), hates water. So, he's SLOWLY SUCKING JAMES MASLOW'S PASSION AND SKILL FOR SURFING AS.WE.SPEAK. BUT DON'T WORRY KIDS! James Maslow is full of passion. He'll never run out. Not till he decides to. Will that be Kendall's fault? No. Will we blame him anyways? YES. He DESERVES discimination... Any water hating part platypus, part unicorn, part mermaid creature thing must be hated. And hunted down. ...WAIT FOR IT........WAAAAAIT FOR IT....AH, right. He must be DIPPED IN JELLY THAT SWISHES AROUND HIS BODY AWKWARDLY LIKE WATER
Rant:
THE FOLLOWING RANT DOES NOT EXPRESS MY VIEWS ON JAMES MASLOW. AND ITS NOT TRUE. I PROMISE.
James Maslow is a nerd. He read FINANCE BOOKS. He never wanted to be a singer/dancer. His dream was always to be a Real Estate agent. Like a nerd. But he had too low of a self esteem. So he followed his father’s dream. He became famous. Now, he remembers how much he used to want to be a real estate agent. Every night, he goes up into his room, curls up on his bed and bawls his eyes out. Kendall notices his best friend’s strange behavior and decides to try and cheer him up. “Dude-“
James cuts him off. “Don’t ‘dude’ me!”
“Ok, sorry”
“Just say what you were going to say.”
“Well, I was GOING to ask if you wanted to go skateboarding with me.”
“No.”
"No? You love skateboarding!”
“But I HATE you!”
“I thought we were best friends!”
“We are.”
“I’m confused. We’re best friends but you hate me?”
“Exactly”
“Fine” Kendall turns to walk out of James’s creepy room.
“WAIT! Aren’t you going to ask me why I hate you!?”
“I wasn’t planning on it…”
“Fine. I’ll tell you.”
“Actually, I was gunna go play X-box with Carl-“
“SHUT UP! I’m talking to you!”
“Fine. What is it?”
“You’re prettier than me.”
“Pretty? Is that supposed to be a compliment?”
“No. Be quiet. Let me tell my story.”
“Whatever you say dude.”
“DON’T DUDE ME!”
“Fine. Just tell me your ‘story’”
“I’ve always been so confident in my looks. My beautiful hair. My perfect smile. It’s all so amazing. And it’s all mine. But then…Then I met you. You with your awesome eyebrows and your amazing smile and your perfect chin. I just can’t handle it. It’s everywhere…EVERYWHERE.” James’s eyes are wide with histerical fear. “No…NO! It’s not true! IM MORE BEAUTIFUL! How can you say that?! Stop lying! No! M00SE! DON’T LEAVE ME! NOT FOR KENDALL! NO! NOT YOU TOO BEKAH! NOOOOOO!!!” Kendall is slowly backing away when James turns on him. “You! It’s all your fault! Everyone’s leaving me and it’s all your fault!” Kendall holds up his hands in defense. He trips over a skull in James’s room. Carlos comes in and sees the chaos.
“James calm down.” -Carlos
“YOU calm down!” -James
“Carlos, quick! Give me your face!” –Kendall
Carlos grabs one of the bloody butcher knives out of James’s drawer. He cuts his face off and tosses it to Kendall. Kendall catches it and replaces his own face with it. “Look at me. Now I’m ugly.” James sees Kendall’s new face and screams in horror.
“I think my face may be a little TOO ugly.” –Carlos (I actually love Carlos's face)
“DON’T YOU GET IT?! I DON’T CARE ABOUT LOOKS! I KNOW IM MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN EITHER OF YOU!” –James, obviously
“Hey guys, what’s up?” –Logan
“Not much. You?” –Carlos
Logan grimaces at Carlos’s bloody face. “Dude…you’re getting blood on the floor.” -Logan
“Carlos, go into the kitchen. Logan go fix Carlos’s face.” -Kendall
“Dude. I’m not a doctor. I can’t do that. I think you guys get me mixed up with my character some times. You should stop. It hurts my feelings.” –Logan
“Logan, I know you’re not a doctor. I’m not getting you mixed up with your character. It’s just that you’ve got some awesome sewing skills. Just sew his face back on. I would do it myself but...” Kendall turns to look at James, tears streaming down his face, as he trys to pull all his hair out of his head.
“I get it. I’ll fix Carlos up.” –Logan
“Thanks man” –Kendall & Carlos
Kendall puts his face back on and it immediately molds itself onto his head perfectly.
Logan and Carlos walk out the door and into the kitchen. Kendall turns back to James. “So. What’s REALLY wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“James, you’re about to pull all your hair out. Don’t you care? You love your hair.”
‘No I don’t! I hate my hair!” Kendall suddenly remembers yesterday’s recording. James seemed incredibly half-hearted. In fact, he’d been like that for the past 8 weeks.
“James? Do you like your job?”
“……”
“What do you want to be?”
“mmhnnhmmfmmnnff”
“What was that? I can’t hear you!”
“I ALREADY TOLD YOU! DON’T MAKE ME SAY IT AGAIN! I DON’T WANNA DO YOUR WEIRD MOTIVATIONAL SPEECH THING! I DON’T LIKE IT!!!”
“James, I really couldn’t hear you.”
“Oh. Well…I always wanted to be a Real Estate Agent.”
“Then why aren’t you?”
“Because! I would make a terrible real estate agent! I’m too stupid!”
“No your not.”
“AM TOO!”
“JAMES! IM TIRED OF YOU SULKING AROUND! IF YOU WANNA BE A REAL ESTATE AGENT, THAN BE A REAL ESTATE AGENT!!!”
“FINE!” James stalks out the door.
Two years later;
“How do you think James is doing?” –Logan
“I bet he sucks.” –Carlos
“STOP TALKING ABOUT JAMES IT MAKES ME JEALOUS!” –Karl, the new band member
“I bet he’s doing great.” -Kendall
“I am” –James
“JAMES!” –Kendall, Carlos, and Logan.
“Hey guys. I’m gay.”
“WHAT?!”- Kendall, Carlos, and Logan.
“I KNEW IT!” –Karl
“I’m gay and I love Kendall.” -James
“Dude. I don’t feel the same way. I love Martha.” –Kendall
“I know. But I can’t live without you. So I came back to the band.” –James
“ALL RIGHT!” –Kendall, Carlos, and Logan.
Everyone’s happy as BTR is reunited. They throw a welcome back party for James. Martha and Kendall get married. No one remembered Karl.
My Rant:
Kendall was SO tired of James blaming EVERYTHING on him. EVERYTHING. It was all obviously Logan’s fault. Or Carlos’s. But James always pushed the blame on him. ALWAYS. Kendall was so fed up that he eventually just decided to walk away from being famous. Literally.
“Kendall, where are you going? We have a song to record.” –Logan
“It doesn’t matter where I’m going. I’m going away…from you.” –Kendall
“What did we do?” –Carlos
“GASH! Stop blaming me for EVERYTHING!” –Kendall
“Dude…We weren’t blaming you.” –James
“Easy for you to say…mr….mr…BLAMEY PANTS!” –Kendall
Logan, understandably, burst out laughing. “Dude..That was hilarious.”
“Are you SUGGESTING that I’m FUNNY?!” –Kendall
“Yes. Yes I am.” –Logan
“Stop making fun of me! I HATE you!” –Kendall
James holds up his hands in defense. “We didn’t do anything. This is all you man.”
“Are trying to push the blame on me AGAIN?!” –Kendall
“I was just trying to tell you that it’s unreasonable to assume that-” -James
“YOU’RE JUST ALWAYS PUSHING THE BLAME ON SOMEONE ELSE AREN’T YOU?!” -Kendall
“… to assume that-“ –James
“WELL I’M SICK AND TIRED OF IT!” –Kendall
“TO ASSUME THAT WE’RE TRYING TO BLAME YOU WHEN YOU HAVE NO EVIDENCE!” –James
“Well…You didn’t have to yell”- Kendall
“Yeah man. No reason to shout.” –Logan
“This is fun! Fight! Fight! Fight!” –Carlos
“I’M NOT SHOUTING!” -James
“Yes you are…you should stop.” –Kendall
“ARE YOU BLAMING ME?!” –James
“NO!!! YOU’RE BLAMING ME!” –Kendall
“AM NOT!” –James
“ARE TOO!” –Kendall
“AM NOT!” -James
“ARE TOO!” -Kendall
“AM NOT!” -James
“ARE TOO!” -Kendall
“AM NOT!” -James
“ARE TOO!” –Kendall
“When have I EVER blames you?!” -James
“That time when I threw a glass bottle at a window, broke the window, and hit our producers head with the bottle!” -Kendall
“You DID do EVERYTHING that I said you did!” -James
“No! Logan did!” -Kendall
“We all saw you.” –Logan
“NO YOU DIDN’T! I WAS ALONE! …..IN MY HAPPY PLACE!” -Kendall
“You were in my room…” –James
“FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!” -Carlos
“ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOUR ROOM CAN’T BE MY HAPPY PLACE?!” -Kendall
“Well… It’s not a very joyous place...There’s skulls, knives, ropes, and creepy masks everywhere…” -Logan
“Yeah man… that’s not even my happy place. That’s the place I go to cut myself.” –James (I'm not making fun of depression)
“FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!” –Carlos
“Where IS your happy place?” –Logan
“Your room. :)” -James
“…creep…” –Logan
“You also blamed me that time when I threw an axe into the TV…” –Kendall
“But you DID throw the axe into the TV” –James
“SHUT UP! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME!” –Kendall
“Well than…if you didn’t throw it into the TV, who did?” –James
“CARLOS!” –Kendall
“FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!” –Carlos
James shrugs. “That’s believable.”
“FIGHT! FIGHT! FI- …What is?” –Carlos
“That you threw an axe into the TV.” –Logan
“NO I DIDN’T!” –Carlos
“YES YOU DID!” –Kendall
“NO THAT WAS YOU! I THREW A LAMP AT THE TV! NOT AN AXE!” –Carlos
“ARE YOU TRYING TO BLAME ME?!” –Kendall
“FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!” –James
“SHUT UP JAMES!” –Logan
“OF COURSE IM TRYING TO BLAME YOU!” –Kendall
“FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!” -Logan
“SHUT UP JAMES!” –Carlos and Kendall
“…That was Logan…” –James
“SO NOW YOU’RE TRYING TO BLAME LOGAN!?” –Kendall
“SHUT UP, YOU JERK!” –James
“NO! YOU SHUT UP!” –Kendall
“FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!” –Carlos
“I’m gunna go make a sandwich…bye?”
So you see… The entire band was fighting and it was all James’s fault.
xD I know I made Kendall a jerk
We were both asked to do Carlos rants....Neither one was really about Carlos though....lol
Short people have always been the most important people. If you look at the founders to every religion, you'll notice that they are all SHORT. Great military leaders: SHORT (They say George Washington was 6 foot 1, but in reality, he was 5 foot 1. Yeah. Some numbers got mixed around). All the best actors: SHORT. Gary Cooper? Stood on a stool for all scenes involving women taller than him. Robert Pattinson? ...Are you suggesting he is a good actor? And then there's the singing business: why ELSE do you think NO ONE listens to Taylor Swift?! It's really no surprise that Carlos Pena, at 5 foot 6, became so successfull. Some random girls were asked about who their favorite people on Big Time Rush are. "CARLOS. He's so cute!" "James is kinda... girly, don't you think–" "I'LL SHOW YOU GIRLY–" "Big Time Rush? Ugh, who even WATCHES that show? It's so STUPID–" "I'LL SHOW YOU STUPID–" "Carlos!" "Definitely Carlos! I mean, he's so TAN!" "Carlos. I have a thing for mexicans–" "IDIOT! HE'S NOT MEXICAN! HE'S SOME OTHER BEAUTIFUL MIX, BUT HE'S NOT FROM MEXICO! IIIIIDIOT!" Carlos is definitely a favorite (it's not even funny...). And you know, Kendall Schmidt has ALWAYS been jealous. Whether it's because James is such a brilliant, beautiful, much better actor then him, or that Carlos is just so TAN, Kendall has always been jealous. So jealous, Kendall came up with an evil plot to kill Carlos. Naturally, the first person he went to was Logan, Carlos's closest friend.
"Dude, he's my BEST FRIEND. Why would I kill him?"
"Aren't you just DYING of JEALOUSY?! And I'M best FRIENDS with JAMES, but that DOESN'T mean I'm not JEALOUS of HIM."
"Why are you emphasizing random words? Look, James and you have never been functional, but... I should actually go warn Carlos about you. It's only luck that James has evaded all of your past attempts to kill HIM."
"LOGAN, YOU'VE NEVER BEEN SUPPORTIVE OF ME! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY WE'RE FRIENDS!"
"I'm not supportive because you're constantly trying to off someones' head–literally!"
"THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING, LOGAN, AND YOU KNOW IT!"
"What are you talking about? That has everything to do with it!"
Carlos walked in right then. Kendall immediately threw the barrel of jealousy at him. Kendall's jealousy didn't take the form of a little green monster–it became a squishy, green acidic liquid that was known to burn through skins. Don't mask me how he gets it out of his body, because I don't know the answer. Logan screamed in that little girly way of his, but when the smoke (curtesy of Envy, which is SIMILAR to Jealousy, but a bit nicer. COMPLETELY DIFFERENT) cleared, Carlos was... perfectly fine. His tan skin was shining, and the room had pretty crappy looking clothing.
"ARGH! Get some CLOTHES on!" Kendall shrieked.
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?! YOU COULD HAVE KILLED HIM! AND HE WAS WEARING CLOTHES UNTIL YOU BURNED IT OFF WITH THAT... THAT CRAP!"
"Jealousy." Kendall immediately corrected him, polite.
part 2: Chuck Norris Worshipper "SPEAKING OF WHICH," Logan was hyperventilating. "Why isn't Carlos dead?!"
Carlos shrugged. "I guess I'm just too tanned."
"WHAAAAAT?!" Kendall shrieked. "PSSSH! WELL, I'LL SHOW YOU TAN!"
Kendall stomped out right as James came in. "Woah... Why is Carlos naked?"
3 HOURS LATER:
James, Logan, and Carlos (now clothed) were playing a board game with Karl. They were discussing ways to get Kendall fired and to be replaced by Karl when Kendall stomped in.
Tan.
Well, if you call orange "tan". Because orange he was–orange as a... mangerine. Even worse: it was DARK mangerine!
Karl melted from the sheer ugliness. Into a little puddle. Logan, ever considerate, quickly scraped him into a cup, but Logan wasn't really sure he had all of him.
"SEE?! I CAN BE TAN! SEE?! SEE?!"
"He spray tanned!" James stared in open horror. "How many times have I told him that if you're going to tan, you have to do it naturally?! Those things always mess up!"
"SHUT UP, JAMES! YOU NEVER TOLD ME THAT!"
~
"Now, remember, Kendall, if you're ever going to tan–"
"SHUT UP! FIND ME SOME PIZZA!"
"But–"
"FIIIIIND IT OR I WILL EAT YOU INSTEAD!"
~
"Kendall, if you ever want to be gloriously tan like Carlos and I, you should always–"
"SHUT UP! FIND ME SOME WOMAN TO MESS WITH!"
"But–"
"FIIIIIND IT OR I WILL MESS WITH YOU INSTEAD!"
~
"You should know that if you're going to tan, you should always do it natur–"
"SHUT UP! FIND ME SOMETHING TO DO!"
"But–"
'FIIIIIND IT OR I WILL DO *YOU* INSTEAD!"
~
"Yeah! Because you never let me FINISH!"
"THAT IS NOT MY FAULT..."
"YES, IT IS! IT ACTUALLY IS!"
Carlos had been sitting there, sunnily, until his expression finally darkened. "Leave, Kendall."
"NO, IT'S–HUH?! I MEAN..." Kendall coughed. "Huh?"
"Leave Kendall, and don't ever return."
"...But I just got tan–" Kendall whined.
"LEAVE, KENDALL! NEVER RETURN!"
"What did I even do?!"
"I don't know, you threw ACID on him?!" Logan was working himself into a fit, but James just put a hand on his shoulder, silencing him.
"It was JEALOUSY, Logan. And he didn't care when I did it!"
"IT'S ONE THING TO BURN MY CLOTHES WHILE I AM WEARING THEM! IT IS ANOTHER TO SPRAY YOURSELF TAN!"
"...That... is so backwards!" Logan sputtered.
"LEAVE, KENDALL! AND NEVER.EVER.EVER.EEEEVVVVVVVEEEEEERRRRRRR..." Carlos paused.
"...."
"...."
"...."
"...."
"Well?!" James elbowed Logan, shooting him a stern look.
"...."
"...."
"...."
"...."
"COME BACK!" Carlos finished.
"But–I can't just leave! I have a JOB and a FAMILY–"
Karl was unmeltified. "Pfft. Your mom loves me."
"And he CAN sing better than you..." James tapped his chin thoughtfully. Karl couldn't sing at all.
"Not to mention Karl's eyebrows don't make me vomit everytime I look at them." Logan nodded.
"You never puke." James blinked in confusion.
"I never look Kendall in the eyes. I just stare at his butt chin."
"Ahh... that makes more sense."
"And Karl's better at acting." Carlos nodded. Karl couldn't act at all. He speaks in a monotone and stares straight into the camera. ALWAYS.
"Then it's settled! Kendall does as Carlos says, and Karl replaces him!"
But that whole intermission has nothing to do with Carlos's gloriousness. Carlos is beautiful. And not just because his skin glows–he's STUNNING. http://img.ibtimes.com/www/data/images/full/2011/01/31/62104-carlos-pena-jr.jpg What about this picture isn't stunning? And that's not even the best part about him: he's got an amazing personality. He's got this hilarious sense of humor that's more subtle. He's also okay to let James and Kendall HOG the interviews. Carlos likes being in the background (sort of–I mean, he's definitely not in the background). I mean, one time in interview, James and Carlos spoke at the same time, and James says, "Oh no, you go ahead." "No, you go." And then James just plows on. Sadly, I really wish I knew what he was going to say. Logan and Kendall sang a cover for some song (I forget it), and Carlos is drinking a slushie in the background. He didn't do anything downright hilarious, but it was the kind of thing that makes you smile. And his SINGING voice. I really love it–I think it's my favorite out of them. I love it everytime he sings. I don't understand why he sings as little as he does. I mean, just the other day I was listening to Stuck, just ot listen to James... And WOW, I love Carlos's voice. It's like listening to Adam Gontier–like an old, familiar friend :) There's the bright smile, the subtle sense of humor, the manners, the great acting, the singing... There are so many reasons to love Carlos Pena (Jr XD). SO MANY. ...Actually, I think I'm about ready to convert from James to Carlos. WOW. Carlos is amazing ;D~
James Maslow is a liar. He’s atheist. Not Jewish. He hates Jews. Unless he’s eating them. Then he loves them. He loves the smell of Jewish flesh burning on his stove. He likes to boil Jewish noses. Sometimes, when he’s in a good mood, he eats he Jews raw. With salt. Lots of salt. And a side of baby carrots. He lours them into his trap by convincing them that he’s Jewish too. And his unnaturtal attractiveness. They think, “Hey! He’s Jewish AND good looking! I think I’ll marry HIM.” And then they realize the startling truth. He’s gay. So now only gay Jews are willing to approach him. He goes on a few dates with them and eventually they propose. Because they are ALWAYS the man in the relationship. ALWAYS. James just isn’t manly enough. He tries. He really does. It just doesn’t work. So after he’s been proposed to, he grabs ahold of the ring and tosses it into a river. Then he smiles evilly at his boyfriend. He grabs a hold of his boyfriends arm and bites into it. He then grabs a knife and slowly cuts a line of blood from the shoulder to the wrist. Then he laps up the blood. Like a dog. A gay cannibal dog. Then he looks the guy in the eye and says, “hmm… I think you’d taste better with salt.” Yeah. I know. James says the SAME THING EVERY TIME. It gets annoying. He also wears the SAME PANTS EVERY DAY. Not only is he wearing the SAME pants, but they’re all purple skinny jeans with rainbow triangles on the pockets. One day, James’s friends catch him as he eats his most current boyfriend, Asher.
“hmm… I think you’d tas-“ –James
“JAMES!” –Logan
“JAMES!” –Carlos
“JAMES!” –Kendall
James turns around angrily. “Can’t you guys let me finish!”
“Sure…” –Logan
“What ever.” –Carlos
“Fine. Do what you want.” –Kendall
“hmm…. I thi-“ –James
“HEY JAMES! ARE YOU DONE YET?!” –Carlos
“NO! I’M NOT DONE YET! WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU THINK I WAS DONE?! YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS THAT I LIKE TO SAY! YOU CAN HEAR WHAT I WAS SAYING CLEARLY!” –James
“THEN WHY ARE YOU YELLING?!” –Logan
“IM MAD!” –James
“HEY JAMES! ARE YOU DONE YET?!” –Carlos
“I jus- Nevermind…. Hmm…I think you-“ –James
“HEY JAMES! WE HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU!” –Kendall
“ I’M NOT DONE YET! LEMME FINISH!” –James
“FINE! WE’RE SORRY FOR BUYING YOU SOMETHING THAT YOU WOULD TREASURE WITH ALL YOUR HEART, SOUL, AND MIGHT! WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST RETURN IT!” –Kendall
“hmmIthinkyoudtastebetterwithsalt!... I’M DONE!” –James
“Too late.” –Logan
“Yeah. Kendall already left.” –Carlos
“Oh…well?” –James
“What?” –Logan
“Aren’t you going to tell me what the present is?” –James
“What? Did you expect us to TELL you who it was?” –Carlos
“Ahhh…So it’s a person.” –James
“No. It’s not. Carlos was being stupid.” –Kendall
“KENDALL! I thought you were gone!” –James
“…Why would you think that?” –Kendall
“Well…. Carlos and Logan said you were gone.” –James
“DID NOT. That was Carlos.” –Logan
“No. That was Logan.” –Carlos
“Carlos. All we have to do is look at the quoted text. You’re the one that says it.” –Logan
“The quoted text lies.” –Carlos
“The quoted text NEVER lies.” –Logan
“I HATE YOU KENDALL!” –James
“What?” –Kendall
“I didn’t actually say that though! That was the quoted text!” –James
“I don’t believe you.” –Logan
“I’M STUPID!” –Carlos
“Carlos…. When you actually say it, you can’t blame the quoted text.” –Kendall
“I didn’t say that!” –Carlos
“We all heard you.” –Logan
“SHUT UP! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME!” –Carlos
“THAT you didn’t say.” –Kendall
“FAITH KENDALL! HAVE FAITH IN THE QUOTED TEXT!” –Logan
“I HATE YOU ALL! LEAVE ME ALONE! I’M A GIRL!” –James
“……..” –All
“Why does the quoted text want us to yell all the time?” –Logan
“Probably thinks it’s more interesting…” –Kendall
“Oh. Ok. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” –Logan
“AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!” –Kendall
“AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!” –James
“….Why are you guys yelling?” –Carlos
“IT’S WHAT THE QUOTED TEXT WANTS!” –Logan
-----From now on, quoted text has * instead of “-----
“I DON’T CARE WHAT QUOTED TEXT WANTS!” –Carlos
“THAN WHY ARE YOU YELLING?!” –Logan
*YOU PUNCHED ME!* -Logan
“Wha- NO I DIDN’T!” –Carlos
“We know! That’s what the quoted text was saying!” –Kendall
“Oooooh. I gotcha…” –Carlos
*I hate you all* -James
*Why?* -Kendall
*I’m a girl. And I’m stupid. And I have man boobs.* -James
“NONE OF THAT IS TRUE!” –James
“We know James. We know.” –Kendall
“…I believe it. The quoted text NEVER lies.” –Logan
“JAMES! I DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE A GIRL! HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME THAT?!” –Carlos
“Carlos….James isn’t a girl. How could you think that?” –Kendall
*All you have to do is look at my face.* -James
“SEE!? HE ADMITTED IT!” –Carlos
“No. That was the quoted text.” –Kendall
“OH!” –Carlos
“Carlos….Why are you still shouting?” –Kendall
“Isn’t that what the quoted text wants?” –Carlos
*No. The quoted text does NOT want that. Its annoying.* -Quoted Text
“Did the quoted just talk?” –Carlos
“Naw. That’s impossible.” –Kendall
*haha. Nobody will believe you.* -Quoted Text
“WHO ARE YOU?!?!” –Carlos
*Who’s who? Me? Oh you don’t wanna know me.* -Quoted Text
“Carlos….Are you OK?” –Kendall
“I WANNA KNOW YOU!” –Carlos
“You DO know us…” –Logan
“WHAT’S WRONG WITH HIM?! JAMES! I’M SCARED!” –James’s boyfriend
“Go away. Nobody cares about you. You’re too Jewish” –James
“THE QUOTED TEXT IS TALKING!” -Carlos
“James. YOU’RE Jewish.” –Kendall
“THE QUOTED TEXT IS TALKING!” –Carlos
“Details, details.” –James
*Goodbye James, Carlos, Logan, Kendall.* -Quoted Text
“Whoa. The quoted text just talked.” –Kendall
“WOW.” –Logan
“Weeiird.” –James
*You have no right to say weird. You’re Jewish.* -Quoted Text
“But Quoted Text is Jewish!” –Carlos
“Carlos….How do you know that?” –Kendall
“Quoted Text told me 8 years ago.” –Carlos
“Quoted Text didn’t EXIST 8 years ago.” –Kendall
“…….” –Everyone
“LEAVE ME ALONE! I HATE YOU!” -Carlos
Rant:
James and Carlos were lying down in the middle of Kendall's living room. Carlos was holding a glass of hot water. James was trying to make himself blind by staring at the lights on the ceiling. Logan walks in and screams. There is NO furniture. Except the sofa, TV, table and everything else. "GUYS! WHERE'S THE FURNITURE?!" He screams histerically. This had been happening every day at exactly 3:15 since the time he had tryed to run with scissors. There's a reason you're told not to do that, you know. One time he was in the middle of recording a new song. "When was the last time you- OH MY GOSH! THE MICROPHONE DISSAPEARED!" He looked around frantically, and, in despiraton, he attacked Carlos. James slowly, lazily moves his eys away from the lights.
"Hey Carlos.... Shouldn't you be running right now?" James says, silently cursing himself for turning his eyes away. Carlos glances at Logan (who is now attempting to draw fruniture on the walls with a imaginary marker). He shrugs his shoulders.
"Maybe he won't attack this time." Carlos says hopefully. James shakes his head, in frusteration.
It's obvious Logan is going to attack. And Carlos has no way of escaping. Except the window. He should escape that way...hmmm....
Logan stops trying to create furniture (He's now realized only G-d can make furniture...duh!) He turns to glare at Carlos. "You! YOU DID THIS!" Logan is now stalking forward, his eyes trained on Carlos. Carlos backs up, uncertain of how to react.
"Go for the window!" James shouts.
Carlos decides to take James's advice and backs up slowly for the window. And right as he hits the glass and falls backward, Logan trips over some furniture. "Hey guys! The furniture came back! Guys? Where's Carlos?"
"He jumpewd out of a window and fell 3 stories to get away from you," James says, smiling, as he bangs his head up against the floor. Why couldn't he become blind? He wanted to have a seeing eye dog. Just like Elvis.
"Harsh..." Logan says, his shoulders slouching in dejection. How could Carlos hate him so much? He'd rather die than be near him. Logan had no idea he was so hated.
"Hey Logan. Wanna go grab some grub?" James began to laugh histarically. "Grab...Grub...Get it? The only difference is ONE LETETER. A and U! HAHAHA! I'm just so funny sometimes."
Logan ignores him as he stews over Carlos's hatred.
"Great! Lets go! James grabs Logans arm and they walk arm in arm to the elevator. People begin to stare. James glares at them. "IM NOT GAY! I SWEAR IT! I'M NOT GAY! HE'S ONLY MY FRIEND! I PROMISE! PLEASE! DON'T TELL ANY HOT GIRLS WHAT YOU SAW HERE! I STILL WANNA DATE!" He glares at Logan. I'M NOT GAY! HE'S THE GAY ONE! NOT ME! HE JUST LATCHED ONTO ME! I SWEAR. WHY DON'T YOU BELIEVE MEEEE???! He falls to the ground and begins to cry. Kendall, who had watched this entire embarassing scene unfold, walked over to James and put his hand on his shoulder.
"Dude...I hate to tell you this but...They weren't staring because of your linked arms. You had a piece of toilet paper stuck to your shoe."
James's face turns a bright red. "...had...toilet paper stuck to my.....shoe?" The last word comes out as a squeek. Kendall nods his head. "That's....that's....that's...SO EMBARASSING. I had TOILET PAPER stuck to my SHOE! THAT ONLY HAPPENS IN MOVIES! NOT IN REAL LIFE! I'M DEAD! DEAD TO THE WORLD!"
A fan timidly walks up to Logan and James. "H-hi...M-my name i-is S-Suzan." Kendall walks away. James glares down at the fan. "Why are you stuttering?"
"I-I can't h-help it. I-I h-have a sp-speech d-d-disorder."
"Ha! Yeah right! You just want attention from the amazing JAMES MASLOW."
"A-actually..I j-just came t-to m-meet Logan and a-assure him th-that I don't b-believe h-he's g-g-gay..."
"Him? He's dead. You should talk to ME instead."
"B-but I c-can see h-his ch-chest m-moving..."
James looks down at Logan, smiles sweetly at the girl and smashes a microwae on Logan's head. He dies. And blood splatters the fan girls new dress.
"Y-You'll p-pay f-for th-th-thi-this!"
"Now you can worship me instead. :)"
So you see. Carlos was dead because of Logan. Logan was dead because of James. And Big Time Rush lost a fan. And Kendall had to fix it all. He revived Logan and Carlos and gave the girl backstage passes to their next concert. He also made James apologise to her for ruining her dress. She didn't mind though. She sold Logan's blood on ebay. You wouldn't BELIEVE how much crazed fans would pay for Logan Henderson blood.
Rant:
"I don't wanna be friends with you in REAL life! Just on Facebook." James explains to Carlos. Carlos begins to cry. THAT'S how heartless James is.
"Well you know what? I'm about as gay as you are short!" Logan screams at Carlos. Carlos begins to cry. THAT'S how gay Logan is.
"Don't cry. Chicks dig short guys." Kendall says, hugging Carlos. Carlos stops crying. THAT'S how good of a liar Kendall is. And how good of a person.
"I'm so TIRED of you calling me short. I'm NOT short. I'm fun-sized!" Carlos says as tears stream down his face. THAT'S how in denial Carlos is.
"Why are we still sitting here? We should be making fun of Carlos." Logan says. Carlos slaps him. THAT'S how stupid Carlos is.
"You can't HIT me! You're too POOR you PEASENT." Logan says as he attacks Carlos with dollar coins. THAT'S how stupid Logan is. Now Carlos is rich.
"I hate my life. STOP HURTING ME. I HATE YOU ALL! No I don't. Sorry Mr. Popper." James says as he begins to cry. THAT'S how dillusional James is.
"Penguins! Penguins! Swimming in the ocean! Causing a commotion! Cause they are so awesome!" Mr Popper sings. THAT'S how real James's delusions are.
"One time....I had a dream....You were purple," Logan says. He resumes pelting Carlos with coins.
THAT'S how much Logan wishes he was famous.
"But....Logan is famous..." Kendall says in his oh-so-perfect voice. THAT'S how good of a friend Kendall is.
"Hey! Who's Kendall talking to?" Carlos says. Except the last word comes out muffled. A coin went down his throat. THAT'S how questionable Carlos is.
"Kendall was talking to his ONLY fan! Ha! Only fan! Kendall's hillarious," Kendall says, speaking in third person. THAT'S how humble Kendall is.
"But....Kendall has LOTS of fans... I'm the one with only one fan." James says. trying to be humble. THAT'S how egotistical James is.
"Ar least you HAVE a fan. I have none." Logan says, being a copycat. THAT'S how stupid Logan is. Everyone knows you get the wrong answer when copying James.
Carlos would say something except he's choking to death. Kendall saves him. THAT'S how amazing Kendall is when it comes to.....PERFECTION.
"Agh! You should have let him DIE!" Logan says, bearing his teeth at Kendall. THAT'S how primitive Logan is.
"Yeah man. Not. Cool," James says wearing imaginary sunglasses. THAT'S how cool James thinks he is.
Rant:
“WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!” Logan asks, outraged.
“Why wouldn’t I?” James responds as a smile spreads across his face.
“YOU SMASHED A MICROWAVE UP AGAINST MY FACE!”
James purses his lips into a pout. “You deserved it,” he whines.
Carlos walks in and begins to laugh his beautiful laugh. “Haha! Logan! You’re face is all red! Did James paint it?!”
“No he-“
“Can I paint your arms?!”
“No!”
Carlos glares at Logan, muttering under his breath things like, “jerk…always been jealous of me…doesn’t deserve my friendship…burning…choking…painful ways to die…torture…” Carlos began to laugh menacingly but his laugh was quickly cut off by THE MOST PERFECT HAND IN EXISTANCE landing on his mouth. Kendall takes a shot out of his pocket and quickly injects Carlos with a shot of anti-psychotic murderer medicine.
Suddenly Carlos has a huge smile on his face, and he’s singing at the top of his lungs. But not a Big Time Rush song. No, he’s singing “My Whole Family Thinks I’m Gay” by Bo Burnham.
“My whole family thinks I’m gay! I guess it’s always been that way! Maybe it’s the way I walk! That makes them think that I like…boys.”
“Shut up Carlos” James says, irritated.
“JAMES! DON’T TELL CARLOS TO SHUT UP! We were HAVING a CONVERSATION.” Logan shouts.
“YEAH JAMES.” James says.
“Kendall, when was the last time James took his meds?”
“I don’t know. He keeps accusing me of trying to poison him.”
James stares at Kendall for a second, remembering that Kendall was a trained assassin whose only goal was to kill him. “You….You…” James begins, before whirling around, wide-eyed to Logan. “Pssst! Logan! Kendall is our enemy! We. Can’t. Trust. Him.”
“Ahh…Kendall? How do you plan on deali- WHERE’D ALL THE FURNITURE GO!?”
Kendall sighs. He had forgotten about Logan’s….condition. Its 3:00, the exact time Logan forgets about the furniture. Every. Day. For. The. Rest. Of. His. Life.
“Logan…Lo-LOGAN!”
Logan turns to look at him. “YOU…YOU TOOK ALL THE FURNITURE. YOU’RE A THEIF!”
James joins in. “AND AN ASSASIN!”
Carlos pipes up with, “I’m NOT GAY KENDALL! I’m NOT!”
Kendall collapses onto a chair, exhausted.
“HOW IS HE DOING THAT?! THERE ISN’T ANY FURNITURE!”
Carlos stares at Logan, solemnly. “He’s…He’s…I think he’s an alien.”
James looks at Kendall suspiciously. “No. I think he’s Voldemort.”
Logan glares at James. “No. Mackey’s Voldemort.”
Kendall stares at Logan, incredulously. “That’s just what you told my fiancée, Martha!”
Carlos glares at Kendall. “He’s definitely an alien. You can see the antennas.”
“Oh yeah…”
“I see it too!”
All three boys run downstairs and march around the lobby chanting.
“KENDALL IS AN ALIEN. KENDALL IS AN ALIEN. HE DESTROYS VEGGIES. HE HATES VEGGIES. HE IS A MURDERER.”
Kendall follows them, throwing up his arms in exasperation. “Oh for gosh sake! I’m NOT an alien.”
“HE IS AN ALIEN. HE’S A LYING ALIEN.” Logan screams.
“WHO IS A TRAINED ASSASIN?”
“WHO THINKS I’M GAY.”
“WHO STOLE ALL OUR FURNITURE?”
Benjamin Stone walks by, amused by the chant. He turns to Kendall. “You the ah…Alien?”
“I’m not even an alien!”
“xD I know.”
Carlos spots the beautiful Brit. “HE’S AN ALIEN TOO! HE SAID XD INSTEAD OF ACTUALLY LAUGHING!”
James glares at Ben. “Yeah. He’s an alien from a planet that is full of other aliens with English accents.”
Logan snaps out of his ‘trance.’ “Hey…I think the furniture’s back…”
Ben stares at him for a second before collapsing onto the ground.
“ALL BLONDES ARE ALIENS! ALL BLONDES AR-“
“THE ALIEN COLLAPSED!” Carlos breaks off.
“I-Is he ok?” Logan asks, dropping to his knees, tears streaming down his BEAUTIFUL face.
“GUYS.”
“Is he dead?”
“GUYS.”
“I think he is.”
“GUYS.”
“SHUSH JAMES!”
“Yeah, we have something a LOT more important going on. I think the British alien is dead.”
“I’m pretty sure what I have is more important.” James says looking desperately into a mirror.
“Don’t be insane.”
“I’m serious.”
“Stop acting like a sheep James. Just…Stop.”
“I’m not acting like a sheep!”
“Courage the cowardly dog!”
“Shut up! You KNOW I hate that!”
“We know.”
“I HAVE A PIMPLE.”
Carlos and Logan stop what they are doing turning slowly, dramatically to look at James.
“Oh.”
“My.”
“GUYS! REMEMBER WHAT YOU’RE SAYING.” Kendall says, staring incredulously at his friends.
“James? We’re bringing you to a doctor. Right. Now.”
“THERE IS A PERSON DYING AND ALL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT IS A SINGLE PIMPLE?!” Kendall asks, clearly upset.
“It’s not a pimple, Alien-Pretending-To-Be-Kendall; we think it may be a bomb, planted by the aliens.” Logan says solemnly.
“Oh for gosh sakes! Just go. I’LL take care of the DYING MAN. YOU go see a dermatologist!”
“…We were going to go to an Obstetrician.” Carlos says a confused look on his face.
“THAT’S FOR DELIVERING BABIES YOU IDIOT.”
“…Oh… Well… That’s embarrassing.” Logan says, his face turning a bright crimson.
“GUYS.” James says gripping Logan’s arm dramatically.
Nobody pays attention so James continues on. “I think…I think I’m pregnant.”
“No, you’re just fat.” Carlos says, attempting to comfort his friend.
“I’M NOT FAT. I’M PREGNANT. OH G-D, THE BABY JUST KICKED. MY WATER BROKE. I’M GOING INTO LABOR! I DIDN’T KNOW I WAS A GIRL!”
“GUYS! HE’S GOING INTO LABOR! TAKE HIM TO THE SCHOOL!” Kendall shouts, faking urgency.
“Yes sir!” Carlos responds slapping his forehead, attempting to look like a soldier.
The march off, carrying James on their soldiers. Kendall turns back towards the unconscious ‘alien’ only to find him sitting up.
“We thought you had fainted.”
“Please!” he says sarcastically. “I’m British! We don’t faint!”
And so my two idols Benjamin Stone and Kendall Schmidt become best friends. James finds out he IS a girl, he ISN’T pregnant (just fat) and he as a pimple the size of Manhattan sprouting from his forehead.
OK, It's pretty obvious who won...KENDALL!!!
